Billy Goes To Underprivileged Horror Nights

So here is some background - I was going to the GM car show in Silver Springs this weekend and my friend sends me a link showing me this event... I initially begin to mock it... Then I say... Hmmmmmmm... I should go - At the very least it would be funny as hell. Long story short - I talk him into it and we stay after the car show for this hideous yet hilarious piece of flaming dog shit. Now here is the deal - I normally try my hardest to give NOTHING away in my blog posts but... NOBODY should have to go to this... Therefore - I will let it all loose. Prepare to step into the world of small town Halloween events...

Now this event had 1 haunted house... Yes... 1... 2 "scare zones"... I am sorry for even using this term... 1 ride... A ride... Yes... A boat ride nonetheless... And a show... Let us begin............

Spirit of the Swamp Cemetery ("Scare zone") - OK... So... My first and ONLY experience with this portion of the park was rather hilarious. You cross over a bridge and find yourself stepping into a shitty Halloween store. I mean - You got dumb fake tombstones, wire birds, fake bodies hanging from trees, plastic zombies with glowing eyes coming out of the ground... Just... Ridiculous. Now - My friend and I and 2 other people walk up to this building and we are invited in by some zombie/retard who was trying to be clever. In this room there is a casket and that is about it. He tells us all to look into the casket. My friend and the two other people don't move so I step up and look in. The OBVIOUSLY alive person inside jumps up and screams at the top of her frigging lungs. I mean... LOUD. All four of us don't even flinch. All I could say was "OK..." and then she jumps out of the coffin and we all just walk out laughing at the absurdity which just happened. Another room comes along the path - We go in... It is two girls and a bunch of fake body parts. These girls do NOTHING but say "We would like to see more of you" "Maybe if we turn you inside out". I was waiting for something to happen - In fact... I sat there hoping... And nothing... They just kept making stupid comments then got frustrated with us for not being scared and said "Fine then - Just leave"... So....... We did. And that was that... Yea... That was the whole thing... Overall - 0/5

Lost Souls Haunted River (Ride) - Now I will not lie... I was excited for this. I have ALWAYS wanted to do a haunted boat ride. I mean think of the damn possibilities - It is understandable that they couldn't have actors in the water cuz it is riddled with gators... But on land works just as well. Anyways... It starts off pretty damn promising. You get into the glass bottom boat and this hillarious old man starts talking about how he has no idea what is going to happen or what he is doing. lol. It was amazing. So - He begins to tell some story about slave ships and murdering villagers... No lie. We get to the "village" where one might expect for there to be actors on shore... The old man starts laughing and says "I dunno where the actors are - They were here yesterday and put on a great show for everyone..." At this point I am hysterical... I mean - The absurdity in this is brilliant. We go around for about 5 minutes in the dark with nothing happening and the captain saying "I sure hope the actors show up later"... We come up to this boat - And we see 2 people dressed like pirates on it and they mumble some things we cant hear and that was that... Yea... lol. Now - Being both bored AND a glutton for punishment - My friend and I decide to try this again just in case the actors were actually there... This time we get a MUCH funnier old man saying such things as "I prefer my women to be 15"... Yea... lol. AND... No dice... The actors still hadn't showed up half way into the night... Yea... This time tho - The 2 pirates on the boat were much more animated... One kept stabbing a map and the other waved his sword around... And our captain almost hit a tree... FUN STUFF! Yea... Overall - 1.5/5 (SOLELY for the fact that I was hysterical during both rides)

Voodoo Bayou ("scare zone") - Right... Uh... This was quite literally a path with 3 actors on it... Maybe 2 for all I know. One of whom I will give credit to - She stood SO still that people thought she was fake and tried to touch her. Good job with that. The rest - They didn't even try to scare you. Well.... One did... She just walked up next to me and looked at the same snake in a cage my friend was... Apparently that was supposed to scare him - Instead he just said "Hi" and she walked away defeated. Uh... That is about it. Overall - 0.5/5

Creatures of Carnage Show - This show was an EXACT clone of the show that they have during the day except that they had the lights off... SO CREATIVE!!! Overall - 1/5

Haunted House (Yea... It had no name...) - First off... They let people enter in groups of 10... I was VERY happy about this... Except... I was upset to see that someone literally walked you THROUGH the house... I mean... It is a linear path - How the fuck could we get lost?! Certain actors seemed to care less and some took it WAY too seriously. My main problem with this is that they friggin chose RETARDED masks and costumes... I mean... The Scream mask with a tongue hanging out....... REALLY?!?!? HOW THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO SCARE ME?!?! Ugh... Anyways... The ending of this house had its ONE moment of brilliance - The "guide" left the group and you were shuffled into a PITCH BLACK room where I couldn't see my damn hand in front of my face and we were told to find our way out. That was actually QUITE interesting seeing as we got stuck in there for AT LEAST 5 minutes with one guy constantly trying to scare us and yelling at us to "GET OUT!!!". Look - I am not a fan of people I cannot see grabbing me randomly but uh... This was a decent idea. At one point in the night - Someone got lost in there for 20 minutes and someone had to be sent in to go get them... Yea... It was that friggin dark and confusing. Overall - 2/5

Look - Let's just leave it at this... Small town Halloween events = Fail... Nuff said.

Halloween Horror Nights 19

So... It is that time of year again. This Horror Nights - I will admit... I didn't have the highest expectations for it. Regardless, being the crazy bastard that I am, I went the first two nights it opened. Crowds weren't horrible. My longest wait was an hour for Saw (which I would consider to be the signature house this year... aka - most everyone wanted to go in it). First night had a little added appeal because we were able to see John C. Reilly promoting his new Cirque Du Freak movie. However, that turned more into me being anxious for gates to open. Second night, being a passholder, my friend and I were able to enter the park at 5 (an hour and a half before general public) and get our first stabs at the Chuckie and Silver Screams houses. This was amazing because in that time span we were able to do Chuckie 3 times and Silver Screams twice with enough time left over to get a prime spot in the line for Spawning before it opened. Now... Before I begin my review of each house - I would like to say that I was VERY surprised at how much I enjoyed this years event. It was great and I am MORE than looking forward to going back numerous times in October. So... Let the reviews begin:

Frankenstein: Creation of the Damned (House count: 2) - OK... Throughout all of these reviews - I guarantee you will see one running trend - that the houses might not be scary but themed wonderfully. This one is no different - I never got scared in this house but damn... It looked amazing. I mean... As soon as you walk in - you are thrown into a sense of insecurity when you see a shadow of Frankenstein killing some poor bastard. It is great. Scenes which followed impressed me and I found myself paying less attention to the scareactors failing miserably in scaring me and more to the intricate details of the soundstage. One qualm I had - I will not go into details... But... I kept thinking Iron Man because of a certain part of the costume... If you go... You will see. Overall: 4/5

Silver Screams (House Count: 5) - I loved this damn house. I think one of the main reasons is that the house incorporated scenes from movies which did not appeal to the masses at large. I mean... The Thing... The Strangers... Evil Dead... Phantom... It is crazy. And I loved it. It kind of took advice from the fact that humans have ridiculously short attention spans and threw you into a new movie with every room. Some... Were WAY too short (EVIL DEAD!) - But even those had a massive appeal to me. I was never legitimately scared in that one but the Strangers room NEVER failed to creep me out big time. Definitely - In my opinion - the best house of the year. They did a wonderful job throwing you into each movie and keeping your attention at all times. Overall: 4.5/5

Leave it to Cleaver (House Count: 2) - You know... Nothing is better at creeping people out than crazy 50s shit. This house had a RIDICULOUS amount of potential yet it seemed to sputter and die and ultimately bore me. I mean... I understand that some of its appeal lies in the dark humor of it... But not enough was incorporated to save it in my eyes. However, I will say... The introduction video that they show for it is BRILLIANT - Yet it served to build up my expectancies just to have them torn down later. I was never scared OR impressed by the scenery - Unless you call looking at a plastic pile of meat on the ground that looks like a Triceratops shit theming... Meh. Overall: 1.5/5

Saw (House count: 1) - By the house count... You should have some idea as to how I felt about this house. I have been saying for YEARS that they need a friggin Saw house. I mean... It is a brilliant concept. Maybe... For this reason... I had too high hopes for it - But I was not impressed. There was NO attempt to scare you (Unless you consider a 70 year old man dying of cancer jumping out of the dark scary) - It was more called... "Hey!!! Look over here!!! YEA!!! ME!!! I'm in a trap!!! OH NOEZ!!! HELP ME!!!" Yea... Uh... No... WHERE WERE THE PEOPLE WITH THE PIG MASKS?!?! I NEVER SAW ONE!!! Anyways... In its defense... It had a great opening room where you got your own personal message from the Jigsaw (as long as the people in front of you didn't rush through it) which got me REALLY excited. This is a house that is more interested in showing you events than trying to scare you... Not my cup of tea. Overall: 2/5

The Wolfman (House Count: 2) - Well... This one fits into the Frankenstein category. ALL about the theming. Great job in the opening room giving you a sense of insecurity and plenty of interesting things to look at later on. I mean... It is not scary at all... And there seems to be a lack of scareactors but this one definitely has its moments. Honestly - In retrospect - This one is kind of the most forgettable though because I remember little to none of the scenes from it. Overall: 3/5

Dracula: Legacy in Blood (House Count: 2) - I generally HATE vampire houses. I feel that the theme is both tacky and played out. However... I can't believe this is the case... But... This house gave me my ONLY true legitimate scare (not startled slightly but a full on "OH SHIT!"). Additionally... I actually was convinced that I was in a friggin castle. Again... Attention to detail was ridiculous. Not enough scareactors and a tad bit short from what I remember... Oh yea... And if you are expecting a traditional Dracula... You aint gonna get it. At all. In fact... I have no idea if I even saw "Dracula"... Overall: 3.5/5

Chucky: Friends Till the End (House Count: 6) - I was SO curious how they were gonna pull this one off. Well... You kind of have to deal with an adult sized Chuckie throughout the house but that is fine. This house is wonderfully self aware - If you were to take the movies and give them a personality - This would embody them. Rock music... Fucking cursing graffiti on the wall... Toys gone bad... All play an integral role. I really think that one of the major reasons I kept going in this house was to go through the first room over and over again. It was crazy and I still haven't figured it out entirely. Anyways... Not too shabby nor scary... But hey... With this having the shortest wait both nights... It is like going to see a movie at one of those cheap ass theaters - Even if you hate it... You didn't lose too much. Overall: 4/5

The Spawning (House Count: 4) - I enjoyed this house for one major reason... Its use of darkness was brilliant. I mean - It was hard to see in there and the masks (despite how ridiculously retarded they looked up close) were perfect for this type of environment due to the glowing green eyes. There were parts in here where I jumped because I am trying to find my way around in the dark then BAM! green eyes in my face - Good shit. However... I will admit... Theming was lacking and there was no variety in costumes - AT ALL... Overall: 3/5

Bill and Ted - I could give or take this year's show. It had some RIDICULOUSLY funny moments but some that were just blah... But really... ALOT better than last year. Overall: 2.5/5

So... In essence... This year had its highlights for me but honestly... This has been one of my favorite years for HHN (despite me having low expectations for it). I will DEFINITELY be going back... Repeatedly...

Geek Squad - Now With Extra Screwing You In The Ass!

OK... Let's play a little game here. It called: "Find what is wrong with this picture." OK... PS3... Right... Geek Squad... OK... Wait... WTF... 130 fucking dollars?!?! REALLY!!! They must be fucking coming in and gold plating my fucking PS3 for that. Lets see... Setup... Installation... User accounts... And online account... Holy fucking hell. I swear to God... THAT IS ALMOST HALF THE PRICE OF A BRAND NEW PS3!!!

OK... Look... I recently bought a PS3 Slim because my fattie wasn't cutting it (at all... lol). I bring it home - Plug it in - User friendly DUMB FUCK CAN'T SCREW ANYTHING UP UNLESS YOU ARE A FUCKING EMP SET TO GO OFF instructions come on the screen. I had EVERYTHING that they are making you pay 130 for done in like... Hmmmmm... 15 minutes! Lets break this down... 15 minutes... 130 dollars... That is fucking over $8.50 a minute... Uh... Er... WTF?!?! I mean - This shit is automated... You boot up the triple for the first time... THERE IT IS! No fucking work involved.

Fuck I/O psychology... I wanna be paid $8.50 a minute ($510 an hour). Oh right... There is that other little thing of fucking employees in the ass... Right... Forgot about that. So... Geek squad will go out and get paid 12 dollars an hour... SOOOO........ 3 dollars... YEA!!! WHERE THE FRIGG DOES THE OTHER 127 GO?!?!?! It probably just gets sucked into the enormo black hole of doom like a fuckin piece of candy around James Woods (if you don't get that... **Shakes head** Watch more family guy) that is Best Buy corporate... Never to be seen again.

I have nothing further but grunts... Ugh... Buh... BAH!

Zombieland

Ugh... It seems that I get random urges like once a year to come write on this thing. Especially now with work and whatnot. But yea - It appears this is my once a year thing (no idea how long it will last). Anyways... Onto the movie - I was lucky enough to score tickets to a press screening of Zombieland this past Wednesday. First off - this movie was MUCH more popular than I had imagined. I had been to a screening of Jennifer's Body on Monday which was only half full. This movie... The theater didn't have ONE empty seat AND they had to turn away over 150 people. Friggin ridiculous. Secondly - People friggin love zombies... I mean... It's scary how much they like zombies. There were a ridiculous number of people dressed up like them at the screening.

As far as the movie is concerned - I was PLEASANTLY surprised. I entered the theater with the hopes of seeing a halfway decent movie which didn't bore me too much. I mean... Typically zombie moves are hit or miss AND comedies are hit or miss - So that just increased my concern for this movie as a genre mixer but it was able to squelch my concerns in the first five minutes. I think what made the movie above mediocre was its acting. Jesse Eisenberg - Although admittedly being interchangeable with Michael Cera - played his role very well and served as a very good juxtaposition to Woody Harrelson. Speaking of Woody - My respect for him increased dramatically because of this movie. He can be ridiculously funny yet badass at the same time. And as a personal note... Being a friggin nerd/odd individual - I find myself strangely intrigued by certain women. For instance - Jenna Fischer, Olivia Munn, Kari Byron, etc. Well - I have a new name to add to that list - Emma Stone. Something about a girl screwing over men and killing zombies seems to intrigue me. Yea... I am odd.

Anyways, the movie had MANY ridiculously hilarious moments. and it was actually really good at keeping running jokes going. Some movies attempt to keep running jokes and just have them get old and boring after hearing them for the first three time. And I swear to God - I have NEVER been as close to falling out of my seat laughing as I was during the Bill Murray scenes. I will say nothing about them - But trust me... If you are a Bill Murray fan - It will make your frigging year.

Admittedly, on the negative side - It had a Harold and Kumar-esque plot: Group of people trying to go somewhere and getting into antics along the way. Well - It actually kinda works... Especially in a post-apocalyptic atmosphere. I mean... What the fuck else are they supposed to do... Everyone is dead. Such is a zombie movie: If there is not a plot of trying to discover a cure (which I could never imagine working in a comedy) - It is basically just running around and killing things while the party gets picked off one at a time.

So - In the end... I would definitely have paid money to see this movie and I would not have felt slighted in the least. Granted that I am cheap and I am glad I got to see it for free - I will definitely buy it when it comes out on DVD. It is just necessary - I love zombie movies and I love comedies. I will highly recommend it to my friends - Especially seeing as half of them are as twisted as me. Come on... Who the hell doesn't love seeing zombies getting bats to the head...

Overall: 4.5/5