So here is some background - I was going to the GM car show in Silver Springs this weekend and my friend sends me a link showing me this event... I initially begin to mock it... Then I say... Hmmmmmmm... I should go - At the very least it would be funny as hell. Long story short - I talk him into it and we stay after the car show for this hideous yet hilarious piece of flaming dog shit. Now here is the deal - I normally try my hardest to give NOTHING away in my blog posts but... NOBODY should have to go to this... Therefore - I will let it all loose. Prepare to step into the world of small town Halloween events...
Now this event had 1 haunted house... Yes... 1... 2 "scare zones"... I am sorry for even using this term... 1 ride... A ride... Yes... A boat ride nonetheless... And a show... Let us begin............
Spirit of the Swamp Cemetery ("Scare zone") - OK... So... My first and ONLY experience with this portion of the park was rather hilarious. You cross over a bridge and find yourself stepping into a shitty Halloween store. I mean - You got dumb fake tombstones, wire birds, fake bodies hanging from trees, plastic zombies with glowing eyes coming out of the ground... Just... Ridiculous. Now - My friend and I and 2 other people walk up to this building and we are invited in by some zombie/retard who was trying to be clever. In this room there is a casket and that is about it. He tells us all to look into the casket. My friend and the two other people don't move so I step up and look in. The OBVIOUSLY alive person inside jumps up and screams at the top of her frigging lungs. I mean... LOUD. All four of us don't even flinch. All I could say was "OK..." and then she jumps out of the coffin and we all just walk out laughing at the absurdity which just happened. Another room comes along the path - We go in... It is two girls and a bunch of fake body parts. These girls do NOTHING but say "We would like to see more of you" "Maybe if we turn you inside out". I was waiting for something to happen - In fact... I sat there hoping... And nothing... They just kept making stupid comments then got frustrated with us for not being scared and said "Fine then - Just leave"... So....... We did. And that was that... Yea... That was the whole thing... Overall - 0/5
Lost Souls Haunted River (Ride) - Now I will not lie... I was excited for this. I have ALWAYS wanted to do a haunted boat ride. I mean think of the damn possibilities - It is understandable that they couldn't have actors in the water cuz it is riddled with gators... But on land works just as well. Anyways... It starts off pretty damn promising. You get into the glass bottom boat and this hillarious old man starts talking about how he has no idea what is going to happen or what he is doing. lol. It was amazing. So - He begins to tell some story about slave ships and murdering villagers... No lie. We get to the "village" where one might expect for there to be actors on shore... The old man starts laughing and says "I dunno where the actors are - They were here yesterday and put on a great show for everyone..." At this point I am hysterical... I mean - The absurdity in this is brilliant. We go around for about 5 minutes in the dark with nothing happening and the captain saying "I sure hope the actors show up later"... We come up to this boat - And we see 2 people dressed like pirates on it and they mumble some things we cant hear and that was that... Yea... lol. Now - Being both bored AND a glutton for punishment - My friend and I decide to try this again just in case the actors were actually there... This time we get a MUCH funnier old man saying such things as "I prefer my women to be 15"... Yea... lol. AND... No dice... The actors still hadn't showed up half way into the night... Yea... This time tho - The 2 pirates on the boat were much more animated... One kept stabbing a map and the other waved his sword around... And our captain almost hit a tree... FUN STUFF! Yea... Overall - 1.5/5 (SOLELY for the fact that I was hysterical during both rides)
Voodoo Bayou ("scare zone") - Right... Uh... This was quite literally a path with 3 actors on it... Maybe 2 for all I know. One of whom I will give credit to - She stood SO still that people thought she was fake and tried to touch her. Good job with that. The rest - They didn't even try to scare you. Well.... One did... She just walked up next to me and looked at the same snake in a cage my friend was... Apparently that was supposed to scare him - Instead he just said "Hi" and she walked away defeated. Uh... That is about it. Overall - 0.5/5
Creatures of Carnage Show - This show was an EXACT clone of the show that they have during the day except that they had the lights off... SO CREATIVE!!! Overall - 1/5
Haunted House (Yea... It had no name...) - First off... They let people enter in groups of 10... I was VERY happy about this... Except... I was upset to see that someone literally walked you THROUGH the house... I mean... It is a linear path - How the fuck could we get lost?! Certain actors seemed to care less and some took it WAY too seriously. My main problem with this is that they friggin chose RETARDED masks and costumes... I mean... The Scream mask with a tongue hanging out....... REALLY?!?!? HOW THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO SCARE ME?!?! Ugh... Anyways... The ending of this house had its ONE moment of brilliance - The "guide" left the group and you were shuffled into a PITCH BLACK room where I couldn't see my damn hand in front of my face and we were told to find our way out. That was actually QUITE interesting seeing as we got stuck in there for AT LEAST 5 minutes with one guy constantly trying to scare us and yelling at us to "GET OUT!!!". Look - I am not a fan of people I cannot see grabbing me randomly but uh... This was a decent idea. At one point in the night - Someone got lost in there for 20 minutes and someone had to be sent in to go get them... Yea... It was that friggin dark and confusing. Overall - 2/5
Look - Let's just leave it at this... Small town Halloween events = Fail... Nuff said.
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