Billy Goes To Underprivileged Horror Nights

So here is some background - I was going to the GM car show in Silver Springs this weekend and my friend sends me a link showing me this event... I initially begin to mock it... Then I say... Hmmmmmmm... I should go - At the very least it would be funny as hell. Long story short - I talk him into it and we stay after the car show for this hideous yet hilarious piece of flaming dog shit. Now here is the deal - I normally try my hardest to give NOTHING away in my blog posts but... NOBODY should have to go to this... Therefore - I will let it all loose. Prepare to step into the world of small town Halloween events...

Now this event had 1 haunted house... Yes... 1... 2 "scare zones"... I am sorry for even using this term... 1 ride... A ride... Yes... A boat ride nonetheless... And a show... Let us begin............

Spirit of the Swamp Cemetery ("Scare zone") - OK... So... My first and ONLY experience with this portion of the park was rather hilarious. You cross over a bridge and find yourself stepping into a shitty Halloween store. I mean - You got dumb fake tombstones, wire birds, fake bodies hanging from trees, plastic zombies with glowing eyes coming out of the ground... Just... Ridiculous. Now - My friend and I and 2 other people walk up to this building and we are invited in by some zombie/retard who was trying to be clever. In this room there is a casket and that is about it. He tells us all to look into the casket. My friend and the two other people don't move so I step up and look in. The OBVIOUSLY alive person inside jumps up and screams at the top of her frigging lungs. I mean... LOUD. All four of us don't even flinch. All I could say was "OK..." and then she jumps out of the coffin and we all just walk out laughing at the absurdity which just happened. Another room comes along the path - We go in... It is two girls and a bunch of fake body parts. These girls do NOTHING but say "We would like to see more of you" "Maybe if we turn you inside out". I was waiting for something to happen - In fact... I sat there hoping... And nothing... They just kept making stupid comments then got frustrated with us for not being scared and said "Fine then - Just leave"... So....... We did. And that was that... Yea... That was the whole thing... Overall - 0/5

Lost Souls Haunted River (Ride) - Now I will not lie... I was excited for this. I have ALWAYS wanted to do a haunted boat ride. I mean think of the damn possibilities - It is understandable that they couldn't have actors in the water cuz it is riddled with gators... But on land works just as well. Anyways... It starts off pretty damn promising. You get into the glass bottom boat and this hillarious old man starts talking about how he has no idea what is going to happen or what he is doing. lol. It was amazing. So - He begins to tell some story about slave ships and murdering villagers... No lie. We get to the "village" where one might expect for there to be actors on shore... The old man starts laughing and says "I dunno where the actors are - They were here yesterday and put on a great show for everyone..." At this point I am hysterical... I mean - The absurdity in this is brilliant. We go around for about 5 minutes in the dark with nothing happening and the captain saying "I sure hope the actors show up later"... We come up to this boat - And we see 2 people dressed like pirates on it and they mumble some things we cant hear and that was that... Yea... lol. Now - Being both bored AND a glutton for punishment - My friend and I decide to try this again just in case the actors were actually there... This time we get a MUCH funnier old man saying such things as "I prefer my women to be 15"... Yea... lol. AND... No dice... The actors still hadn't showed up half way into the night... Yea... This time tho - The 2 pirates on the boat were much more animated... One kept stabbing a map and the other waved his sword around... And our captain almost hit a tree... FUN STUFF! Yea... Overall - 1.5/5 (SOLELY for the fact that I was hysterical during both rides)

Voodoo Bayou ("scare zone") - Right... Uh... This was quite literally a path with 3 actors on it... Maybe 2 for all I know. One of whom I will give credit to - She stood SO still that people thought she was fake and tried to touch her. Good job with that. The rest - They didn't even try to scare you. Well.... One did... She just walked up next to me and looked at the same snake in a cage my friend was... Apparently that was supposed to scare him - Instead he just said "Hi" and she walked away defeated. Uh... That is about it. Overall - 0.5/5

Creatures of Carnage Show - This show was an EXACT clone of the show that they have during the day except that they had the lights off... SO CREATIVE!!! Overall - 1/5

Haunted House (Yea... It had no name...) - First off... They let people enter in groups of 10... I was VERY happy about this... Except... I was upset to see that someone literally walked you THROUGH the house... I mean... It is a linear path - How the fuck could we get lost?! Certain actors seemed to care less and some took it WAY too seriously. My main problem with this is that they friggin chose RETARDED masks and costumes... I mean... The Scream mask with a tongue hanging out....... REALLY?!?!? HOW THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO SCARE ME?!?! Ugh... Anyways... The ending of this house had its ONE moment of brilliance - The "guide" left the group and you were shuffled into a PITCH BLACK room where I couldn't see my damn hand in front of my face and we were told to find our way out. That was actually QUITE interesting seeing as we got stuck in there for AT LEAST 5 minutes with one guy constantly trying to scare us and yelling at us to "GET OUT!!!". Look - I am not a fan of people I cannot see grabbing me randomly but uh... This was a decent idea. At one point in the night - Someone got lost in there for 20 minutes and someone had to be sent in to go get them... Yea... It was that friggin dark and confusing. Overall - 2/5

Look - Let's just leave it at this... Small town Halloween events = Fail... Nuff said.

Halloween Horror Nights 19

So... It is that time of year again. This Horror Nights - I will admit... I didn't have the highest expectations for it. Regardless, being the crazy bastard that I am, I went the first two nights it opened. Crowds weren't horrible. My longest wait was an hour for Saw (which I would consider to be the signature house this year... aka - most everyone wanted to go in it). First night had a little added appeal because we were able to see John C. Reilly promoting his new Cirque Du Freak movie. However, that turned more into me being anxious for gates to open. Second night, being a passholder, my friend and I were able to enter the park at 5 (an hour and a half before general public) and get our first stabs at the Chuckie and Silver Screams houses. This was amazing because in that time span we were able to do Chuckie 3 times and Silver Screams twice with enough time left over to get a prime spot in the line for Spawning before it opened. Now... Before I begin my review of each house - I would like to say that I was VERY surprised at how much I enjoyed this years event. It was great and I am MORE than looking forward to going back numerous times in October. So... Let the reviews begin:

Frankenstein: Creation of the Damned (House count: 2) - OK... Throughout all of these reviews - I guarantee you will see one running trend - that the houses might not be scary but themed wonderfully. This one is no different - I never got scared in this house but damn... It looked amazing. I mean... As soon as you walk in - you are thrown into a sense of insecurity when you see a shadow of Frankenstein killing some poor bastard. It is great. Scenes which followed impressed me and I found myself paying less attention to the scareactors failing miserably in scaring me and more to the intricate details of the soundstage. One qualm I had - I will not go into details... But... I kept thinking Iron Man because of a certain part of the costume... If you go... You will see. Overall: 4/5

Silver Screams (House Count: 5) - I loved this damn house. I think one of the main reasons is that the house incorporated scenes from movies which did not appeal to the masses at large. I mean... The Thing... The Strangers... Evil Dead... Phantom... It is crazy. And I loved it. It kind of took advice from the fact that humans have ridiculously short attention spans and threw you into a new movie with every room. Some... Were WAY too short (EVIL DEAD!) - But even those had a massive appeal to me. I was never legitimately scared in that one but the Strangers room NEVER failed to creep me out big time. Definitely - In my opinion - the best house of the year. They did a wonderful job throwing you into each movie and keeping your attention at all times. Overall: 4.5/5

Leave it to Cleaver (House Count: 2) - You know... Nothing is better at creeping people out than crazy 50s shit. This house had a RIDICULOUS amount of potential yet it seemed to sputter and die and ultimately bore me. I mean... I understand that some of its appeal lies in the dark humor of it... But not enough was incorporated to save it in my eyes. However, I will say... The introduction video that they show for it is BRILLIANT - Yet it served to build up my expectancies just to have them torn down later. I was never scared OR impressed by the scenery - Unless you call looking at a plastic pile of meat on the ground that looks like a Triceratops shit theming... Meh. Overall: 1.5/5

Saw (House count: 1) - By the house count... You should have some idea as to how I felt about this house. I have been saying for YEARS that they need a friggin Saw house. I mean... It is a brilliant concept. Maybe... For this reason... I had too high hopes for it - But I was not impressed. There was NO attempt to scare you (Unless you consider a 70 year old man dying of cancer jumping out of the dark scary) - It was more called... "Hey!!! Look over here!!! YEA!!! ME!!! I'm in a trap!!! OH NOEZ!!! HELP ME!!!" Yea... Uh... No... WHERE WERE THE PEOPLE WITH THE PIG MASKS?!?! I NEVER SAW ONE!!! Anyways... In its defense... It had a great opening room where you got your own personal message from the Jigsaw (as long as the people in front of you didn't rush through it) which got me REALLY excited. This is a house that is more interested in showing you events than trying to scare you... Not my cup of tea. Overall: 2/5

The Wolfman (House Count: 2) - Well... This one fits into the Frankenstein category. ALL about the theming. Great job in the opening room giving you a sense of insecurity and plenty of interesting things to look at later on. I mean... It is not scary at all... And there seems to be a lack of scareactors but this one definitely has its moments. Honestly - In retrospect - This one is kind of the most forgettable though because I remember little to none of the scenes from it. Overall: 3/5

Dracula: Legacy in Blood (House Count: 2) - I generally HATE vampire houses. I feel that the theme is both tacky and played out. However... I can't believe this is the case... But... This house gave me my ONLY true legitimate scare (not startled slightly but a full on "OH SHIT!"). Additionally... I actually was convinced that I was in a friggin castle. Again... Attention to detail was ridiculous. Not enough scareactors and a tad bit short from what I remember... Oh yea... And if you are expecting a traditional Dracula... You aint gonna get it. At all. In fact... I have no idea if I even saw "Dracula"... Overall: 3.5/5

Chucky: Friends Till the End (House Count: 6) - I was SO curious how they were gonna pull this one off. Well... You kind of have to deal with an adult sized Chuckie throughout the house but that is fine. This house is wonderfully self aware - If you were to take the movies and give them a personality - This would embody them. Rock music... Fucking cursing graffiti on the wall... Toys gone bad... All play an integral role. I really think that one of the major reasons I kept going in this house was to go through the first room over and over again. It was crazy and I still haven't figured it out entirely. Anyways... Not too shabby nor scary... But hey... With this having the shortest wait both nights... It is like going to see a movie at one of those cheap ass theaters - Even if you hate it... You didn't lose too much. Overall: 4/5

The Spawning (House Count: 4) - I enjoyed this house for one major reason... Its use of darkness was brilliant. I mean - It was hard to see in there and the masks (despite how ridiculously retarded they looked up close) were perfect for this type of environment due to the glowing green eyes. There were parts in here where I jumped because I am trying to find my way around in the dark then BAM! green eyes in my face - Good shit. However... I will admit... Theming was lacking and there was no variety in costumes - AT ALL... Overall: 3/5

Bill and Ted - I could give or take this year's show. It had some RIDICULOUSLY funny moments but some that were just blah... But really... ALOT better than last year. Overall: 2.5/5

So... In essence... This year had its highlights for me but honestly... This has been one of my favorite years for HHN (despite me having low expectations for it). I will DEFINITELY be going back... Repeatedly...

Geek Squad - Now With Extra Screwing You In The Ass!

OK... Let's play a little game here. It called: "Find what is wrong with this picture." OK... PS3... Right... Geek Squad... OK... Wait... WTF... 130 fucking dollars?!?! REALLY!!! They must be fucking coming in and gold plating my fucking PS3 for that. Lets see... Setup... Installation... User accounts... And online account... Holy fucking hell. I swear to God... THAT IS ALMOST HALF THE PRICE OF A BRAND NEW PS3!!!

OK... Look... I recently bought a PS3 Slim because my fattie wasn't cutting it (at all... lol). I bring it home - Plug it in - User friendly DUMB FUCK CAN'T SCREW ANYTHING UP UNLESS YOU ARE A FUCKING EMP SET TO GO OFF instructions come on the screen. I had EVERYTHING that they are making you pay 130 for done in like... Hmmmmm... 15 minutes! Lets break this down... 15 minutes... 130 dollars... That is fucking over $8.50 a minute... Uh... Er... WTF?!?! I mean - This shit is automated... You boot up the triple for the first time... THERE IT IS! No fucking work involved.

Fuck I/O psychology... I wanna be paid $8.50 a minute ($510 an hour). Oh right... There is that other little thing of fucking employees in the ass... Right... Forgot about that. So... Geek squad will go out and get paid 12 dollars an hour... SOOOO........ 3 dollars... YEA!!! WHERE THE FRIGG DOES THE OTHER 127 GO?!?!?! It probably just gets sucked into the enormo black hole of doom like a fuckin piece of candy around James Woods (if you don't get that... **Shakes head** Watch more family guy) that is Best Buy corporate... Never to be seen again.

I have nothing further but grunts... Ugh... Buh... BAH!

Zombieland

Ugh... It seems that I get random urges like once a year to come write on this thing. Especially now with work and whatnot. But yea - It appears this is my once a year thing (no idea how long it will last). Anyways... Onto the movie - I was lucky enough to score tickets to a press screening of Zombieland this past Wednesday. First off - this movie was MUCH more popular than I had imagined. I had been to a screening of Jennifer's Body on Monday which was only half full. This movie... The theater didn't have ONE empty seat AND they had to turn away over 150 people. Friggin ridiculous. Secondly - People friggin love zombies... I mean... It's scary how much they like zombies. There were a ridiculous number of people dressed up like them at the screening.

As far as the movie is concerned - I was PLEASANTLY surprised. I entered the theater with the hopes of seeing a halfway decent movie which didn't bore me too much. I mean... Typically zombie moves are hit or miss AND comedies are hit or miss - So that just increased my concern for this movie as a genre mixer but it was able to squelch my concerns in the first five minutes. I think what made the movie above mediocre was its acting. Jesse Eisenberg - Although admittedly being interchangeable with Michael Cera - played his role very well and served as a very good juxtaposition to Woody Harrelson. Speaking of Woody - My respect for him increased dramatically because of this movie. He can be ridiculously funny yet badass at the same time. And as a personal note... Being a friggin nerd/odd individual - I find myself strangely intrigued by certain women. For instance - Jenna Fischer, Olivia Munn, Kari Byron, etc. Well - I have a new name to add to that list - Emma Stone. Something about a girl screwing over men and killing zombies seems to intrigue me. Yea... I am odd.

Anyways, the movie had MANY ridiculously hilarious moments. and it was actually really good at keeping running jokes going. Some movies attempt to keep running jokes and just have them get old and boring after hearing them for the first three time. And I swear to God - I have NEVER been as close to falling out of my seat laughing as I was during the Bill Murray scenes. I will say nothing about them - But trust me... If you are a Bill Murray fan - It will make your frigging year.

Admittedly, on the negative side - It had a Harold and Kumar-esque plot: Group of people trying to go somewhere and getting into antics along the way. Well - It actually kinda works... Especially in a post-apocalyptic atmosphere. I mean... What the fuck else are they supposed to do... Everyone is dead. Such is a zombie movie: If there is not a plot of trying to discover a cure (which I could never imagine working in a comedy) - It is basically just running around and killing things while the party gets picked off one at a time.

So - In the end... I would definitely have paid money to see this movie and I would not have felt slighted in the least. Granted that I am cheap and I am glad I got to see it for free - I will definitely buy it when it comes out on DVD. It is just necessary - I love zombie movies and I love comedies. I will highly recommend it to my friends - Especially seeing as half of them are as twisted as me. Come on... Who the hell doesn't love seeing zombies getting bats to the head...

Overall: 4.5/5

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

So, yeah, being the ultimate super nerd that I am, I went to see Indy 4 at midnight. Now, before I get into the gory details (I will leave out all spoilers) of my impressions of Indy 4, I need to give a basic understanding of my appreciation for the past movies.

The Indy trilogy (although it can no longer be referred to as such) held a special place in my heart since I was a kid because I was basically addicted to the movies. I even remember that the first jigsaw puzzle I put together was some friggin abnormally huge poster for Last Crusade. Now, my love for the movies came from the Nazi/Penkot palace guard beating, witty, gritty action sequences. One of the things I loved about these movies is that if there was any special effects, they would only be near the end of the movie so that it did not interfere with the action sequences. I greatly appreciated that regardless of whether or not it was because of the year the movies were created. Indy, to me, doesn't scream big special effects box office mega-movie. Now, this is why I entered the movie worried. I was worried that I would go see Indy but receive a 21st century action/special effects movie. Additionally, I was worried bout Transformers boy. Indy's sidekicks were awesome in the past; I mean, who didn't like Short Round or Henry Jones Sr. But this kid, I dunno, I had my doubts. In essence, I entered the theater excited yet wary.

In all honesty, it is hard to give my criticisms of the movie without giving away certain plot lines, so, if I am cryptic, forgive me. However, I guarantee you that if you see it, you will understand. Anyways, in regards to my initial worry that too much CG would be used, yeah, there was a good amount used. BUT, surprisingly, it was tasteful enough that I partially accepted it. That is until the end of the movie. That was just a giant clusterfuck due to the absurd plot.

Speaking of plot, before I forget... WTF? Im cool with replacing Nazis with Commies, but these crystal skull deals, wow. I never expected Indy to be mixed with that plot EVER. I truly feel that the plot took a great deal away from the authentic Indy feel. At some points (near the end) I felt like I was watching a different movie and not an Indy movie.

Another thing that was hard for me to accept was some of the visual scenes placed into the movie. Lets just put it this way, Spielberg had some wild hair up his ass that made him want to film Indy standing dramatically in front of absurd things. I wish I could tell you one of them, it was so damn absurd, but I will leave well enough alone. So lets sum this up by saying the following: Negatives - Plot didn't feel like an Indy movie, Indy in STRANGE scenes, CG got a bit overwhelming near the end and in the jungle (you will see), and overall, there was just a bad taste in my mouth when I left, something I just couldn't put a finger on.

Now, in all honesty, for what it was, it was not a bad movie by any means. I left the movie feeling like I saw an Indy movie due to the actors witty charm and sharp yet cheesy humor. Harrison Ford did a damn good job for his age and it seemed so natural for him to play the role that, unless he took his hat off and you saw all the gray hair, you forgot about his age. Shaya... surprisingly, wasn't horrible. I still don't like him, but, he kept up and played a decent sidekick.

Really, this is a movie that a new generation will probably love because it has the feel of a more modern movie, whereas, fans of the original trilogy might feel upset by the movie's unorthodox feel, yet glad that they didn't change Indy's character. Either way, I feel it is definitely worth a shot. I mean, Indy lover or not, its a good action movie that deserves some respect. And yes, as a fan of the original trilogy, I will accept it as a new addition is opposed to the many who (I am sure) will think its blasphemy and a blemish on a good trilogy.

Overall:
Indy Super Nerd - 1.5/5
Indy Fan - 3.5/5
Fan of action movies (not necessarily Indy) - 4/5
Me personally - 3/5

St. Augustine Lighthouse

As some of you might know, I walk the line when it comes to believing in ghosts or hauntings; I nether believe or disbelieve. However, I can say this... In order to make me believe, I would have to literally see something inexplicable occur directly in front of me. So, in the effort to solidify my stance, Erock, Brian and I all went to the Dark of the Moon Lighthouse tour in St. Augustine this Saturday. For those of you who do not know, this lighthouse is apparently notoriously haunted and houses a number of spirits. It was even featured twice on the Sci-Fi Channel's "Ghost Hunters" where they found interesting results both times. Here are the results from their first visit:



So, with these things in mind, we set forth to the lighthouse. Firstly, I would like to say that I was a tad bit disappointed with the fact that there were roughly 30 people on the tour (even though they split us up so no more than half were in one place at one time). Anyways, as the first group entered the lighthouse, our group entered the lightkeeper's house. Upstairs I felt absolutely nothing. If anything, it was comfortable and peaceful. Downstairs the air did feel a bit more heavy but that is probably because the upstairs had a dehumidifier running. Finally, we enter the basement where most of the personal accounts from the house are reported. In the basement, I am listening to the man giving the tour, however, in the next room, I repeatedly saw something moving past one of the two windows (on level with the ground) which was covered with some kind of drape (so I saw a shadow). I brushed it off as someone outside. We enter into this second room, I am looking around, and Brian tells me that he saw the legs of a figure walk by in a long jacket but not walk by the window which was less than a foot away from the other. Now I was intrigued. I begin watching the windows, I tell Erock, and we begin watching both. Then, literally out of nowhere, something FAST goes by the first window without us seeing it in the second.

Now, we were REALLY curious. During some free time, we headed outside to determine what the hell it could have been. We head over to the windows, and take a look around. We simply walk past one window to check see if the curtain was heavier on the second but we did see our shadows in that window as well. Then, standing in the tiny space between the windows, we tried to figure how something could get up to the speed that we saw it go by without getting a head start. Honestly, not much we could come up with. On top of that, nothing at all explains the blatant trench coat we saw the figure wearing. Nobody that evening had one on. In fact, they would have been crazy to have one on seeing as it felt like 90 degrees.

Now, it was our turn for the lighthouse. I was so frickin excited about this. In the beginning of the night, the tour guide had told us all to pay attention for the smells of cigar or pipe tobacco around the grounds because apparently one of the ghosts likes to smoke or some shit. I walk in this lighthouse, make it up 2 stories, BAM there it was. Except, it was SO damn potent that it seemed staged. Up two more stories, AGAIN, same thing. We later decided that if this was recreated by the tour guide, she would have needed some kind of technological equipment to release the smell at either increments or upon movement. However, during quiet, free time later, we went back up in the lighthouse alone and smelled absolutely nothing.

As a side note, apart from paranormal experiences, the view from the top of the lighthouse this late at night was UNBELIEVABLE. Absolutely gorgeous. That alone was worth the 25 dollars in my opinion. You could see all of St. Augustine, the ocean, and the powerful beams coming from the lighthouse.

Now, as I said before, during our free time, we made it back into the lighthouse when there was nobody there. We were very lucky for this because of the sheer number of people on the tour. It was at this time that we went up about 2 stories, paused, I kept looking up and analyzing everything around me. Then, just like in those damn Ghost Hunters findings, ZOOM, a friggin shadow goes moving by about 2 stories up. I make Erock and Brian came over and tell them to watch where I saw it as I walk up further to try and force it to move. They watch, I make it up pretty far, and they see nothing move. They come up to where I am, we sat, relaxed, and watched everything for a while. We decide that it's about time to go, Erock starts leading the way down the stairs, he happens to look up and friggin AGAIN. This time he sees some shadow move by real fast on these stairs. He calls me over, I start looking and again nothing.

Overall, I guess you can say, our night was an interesting night of personal experiences. But, sadly, nothing that can convert me to being a believer. I am still VERY intrigued in some of the improbable occurances which took place last night, and, in all honestly, I am going to try and make it back there. I thought that the tour itself was not the highlight of the night. I truly enjoyed myself during the quiet, free time when nobody was there to bother us or hinder our experiences. I would recommend this tour to anyone who would actually take it seriously. Nothing ruins a night more than immature people visiting who want to make noises, scare their significant other, or talk loudly and destroy the atmosphere. In fact, if you would like to go, let me know, because I would jump at the chance to go again.

Once a skeptic, always a skeptic... until you can prove me wrong.

Musings Over Determinism

ITS ME BITCHES!!! So here is the deal, I have brought out a bunch of the Philosophy books because I feel like I have gotten too rusty. And in the spirit of amusing yet informative syllogisms, I present you with an oldie but a goodie that I came up with. I like to call it:

YOUR REFRIGERATOR DON'T WORK FOR SHIT!!!

PS - For those of you who are philosophically inept, determinism is the belief that every single action, behavior, decision, thought, event, etc is causally determined by prior occurrences. Enjoy.

1. If determinism is true, then the temperature of food in my refrigerator is caused by the conjunction of past states and the laws of physics (as defined by the consequence argument of Van Inwagen) before the refrigerator was made.
2. My refrigerator has no control over circumstances that existed before it was made, nor does it have any control over the laws of nature.
3. If the conjunction of past states and the laws of physics before the refrigerator was made cause the food to be cold, and the refrigerator has no control over past states and the laws of physics before it was made, and the conjunction of past states and the laws of physics before the refrigerator was made is sufficient to cause the food to be cold, then the refrigerator has no control over the food being cold.
4. Therefore, if determinism is true, the refrigerator has no control over the temperature of the food within it.

Trust me, I know this has holes in it like swiss cheese, but its always funny when I take a look back at it. Expect some more posts soon.